The essay "Matrimonial conflict: medicine or poison?"

L. Tolstoy wrote that happy families are similar among themselves whereas the reasons of misfortune in other families – are their own at every family. After all even such serious problems as the matrimonial conflicts in each separate case have its own features and details.

There is no family in which the family and matrimonial conflicts wouldn't take place. They, according to the conflict psychology, can play both a constructive and destructive role that is to be either medicine or poison. So… The psychology of the conflict says that the family and matrimonial conflicts help to splash out negative emotions, to relieve accumulated tension, to express own opinion on this or that question, to hear opinion of the loved one. Positive results of the conflicts consist in it.

It means - medicine?

However, if conflicting parties are out of all proportion and limits, the influence of the conflict becomes destructive, destroying trust, sympathy, affection, love.  In this case, the family and matrimonial conflicts can lead to divorce, the sharp or gradual termination of any communication between close people. Such conflicts in a family have negative impact on satisfaction with marriage and satisfaction of the person with the life. So, does it turn out that conflicts are poison?

In one book it is written that good marriage is when each of spouses can make a mistake, but the family thus won't break up.

And it isn't so important, in what occasion and because of what there was a conflict in a family. The main thing here is- the form in which it occurs. What is it: a discreet dispute -more like a dialogue of spouses or abusive quarrel, coming from the emotional control?

Happy marriage assumes such a dialogue of spouses, a prerequisite of which is the accurate system of well-learned moral norms and rules. The main purpose of this function is - providing mutual understanding as the most solid foundation of the family. Here the conflict is considered as "medicine", as one of spheres of self-realization of the personality. It hasn't got equal on depth and proximity of emotional contacts.

If dispute turns into quarrel, in the midst of cross-fire one of spouses can thoughtlessly offend another, in a fuse to say: “I leave you!” or “I will better look for someone who will appreciate me!” Of course, most of these are only words. However, the Bible says that the tongue can be "full of deadly poison". Threats, ultimatums and insults can destroy marriage.

Sadly, but many spouses don't even realize that a basis of culture of spiritual communication between spouses is, first of all, the attitude towards the partner as to yourself. Therefore it is so important to respect each other, providing mutual moral support.

As a rule, there are not less matrimonial conflicts in happy families, but they are constructive.

Finishing our conversation, there is a wish to emphasize that for the happy family relations it is very important not to allow similar situations. Knowing how dangerous they are and what stands behind them you must resist the action of prejudice, to be able to admit your guilt, to remember that the family should not be a place for self-affirmation. The most important thing is - to appreciate your own spouse and relations with him.

P.S. And although they say that the poison in small amounts is medicine, but poison is still poison to a large extent…


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Большое спасибо организаторам Конференции за предоставленную ценную информацию. Было бы очень хорошо, если б такие мероприятия проводились чаще. Особую благодарность выражаю за то, что с помощью психолога Института Семейного Воспитания я смогла разобраться в давно интересующих меня вопросах.    Мама ученика 6 класса, г. Петропавловск

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